An Enquiry Into Fried Peas

Habibi's
#7-1128 West Broadway
Rating: 8.5/10

Were you not such a poor, crusty fuck you might be able to enjoy (or afford) a session at this slightly upscale Lebanese restaurant. For $6.50 you can stuff your gob with a handsomely wrapped falafel sandwich or, if you're feeling ritzy, you could opt to break your bank on the $8.00 tapas-style hummous platters that gently float you into that state of post-meal bliss (accoutrements include: peanuts, beets, radishes, fried bread, pita, olives, and happiness). In terms of sheer falafel value I must admit I was a bit letdown. For $6.50, man, you best be makin' a memorable falafel. The wrap was petite and the falafels, though obviously fresh, were about as interesting as a trip to the mall with your second cousin. Scathing words aside, Habibi�s is the place to be. The atmosphere is soft and jovial (huge date potential), the waitresses are kind, and the hummous slaps all other hummouses in the mouth. Start rollin� yer pennies and make it happen.

Deserts � The Falafel Oasis
905 Commercial Drive
Rating: 10/10

I often have this argument with friends:
Me: Deserts on Commerical does the best falafel in Vancouver. Period. End of story.
They: Nah man, Deserts is dingy and overrated.
Me: I don�t think we should hang out anymore, you�re wretched.
They: Dude, relax, it�s just food.
Me: Don�t fucking touch me, we�re through.
They: But it�s just my opinion. Can�t we still be friends?
Me: You�re a corpse to me.

Am I really willing to annul a friendship over Deserts? If I had to choose between saving my friends from a burning building and saving the Deserts staff, would I save the latter? Does Deserts really do the best falafel in Vancouver? Yes, absolutely, and definitely. For a measly $5.50 you get a two-hands falafel wrap, packed to the tits with rice, couscous, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, pickles, and an amalgam of sauces and spices so harmoniously blended they could put out an album and everyone would like it. Deserts is almost too much sometimes; I tend to get overwhelmed. Not only do they deliver a champion sandwich but the rest of their menu is just as brilliant. You want soup with that tantalizing falafel? Theirs is rich and hearty. Hows about an amazing smoothie? Theirs is thick and delicious. Wanna try some pakoras? Yeah, that�s right, they got those too. The complaints I hear about Deserts (if I allow them to be voiced in my presence) usually involve it being �untidy� or �shabby.� I think sometimes people confuse shabbiness with character. Whether it be the lowlit dining room, the custom menu board (a chalk mural by Bent), the non-matching furniture, the ample patio, the industrial grade napkins, or the heart-achingly beautiful serveuse, you can�t argue that Deserts has character. Shitloads of character. I just wish I still had some friends left to share in the experience.

Vancouver Donair
933 Commercial Drive
Rating: 7/10

Any place within the vicinity of Deserts will surely feel small. It�s like standing next to David Suzuki or the late Thor Heyerdahl� you probably just feel like a waste of space. Fortunately, Vancouver Donair is all confidence. They claim to be �The Original Donair Shop on Commercial Drive�, though I challenge them to prove it. Vancouver Donair would fall into the category of pedestrian falafel were it not for their glorious pricing. $3.50 w/tax included gets you a sauce drenched falafel treat that is actually quite nice. They do a sterling hummous here and the guy that runs the place is a real cool cat. Thor would have loved it.

Best Falafel
2013 Commercial Drive
Rating: 7/10

These guys are great. If this banal, content-filler critique was judging solely on the friendliness of falafel restaurateurs, these cats would steal the show. No joke. Every time I roll in I�m met with warm smiles, cheer, and a �how are you today, sir�. That�s good business, it keeps me coming back�even though their falafel is, well, the worst. My grandpappy used to say �if you gotta say you�re the best, the best you ain�t.� The adage is tired and so is my grandpappy but the insight is crystalline. The falafel here is bready and almost always a little stale. For $4.oo you get a thickset wrap with your choice of standard wrap salads or a big scoop from the bulk tabouleh bin. You might wonder how this decidedly �below-par� falafel place has earned a 7/10 from yours truly. The answer is simple: toonie Tuesday. $2.00 falafel wrap--suddenly the best in the city.

Falafel House
836 Granville Street
Rating: 7.5/10

I include Falafel House mostly for nostalgia purposes. This was the first falafel I had in Vancouver. Man was it ever good. Falafel House wins the prize for the most inconsistent deep-fried chickpea meals in the city. I never really seem to get the same meal twice. One day they�ll make me a colossal plate or wrap with piping hot falafels, tonnes of hummous and fresh salad. I�ll be rosy in the face by the time I finish. The next day (and it could literally be the next day) I�ll be served deep fried cat turds on a bed of dirt with a side salad of failure and misery. I guess it�s not that bad, but it�ll be shitty enough that I notice a difference. With that said, when you happen to luck out and pick a good Falafel House day, I swear it�s almost better than Deserts. Almost. $4.27 for a falafel wrap.

Falafel Maison
516 Robson Street
5.5/10

Falafel is so versatile. Even a mediocre one can still taste pretty good. What Falafel Maison lacks in flavour it recoups in portions, value, and the sheer hilarity of appropriating a competitors name and making it French (see above). For a bangin� $3.75 you get a healthy sized falafel sandwich with tasteless veggies and a most average hummous. I have a hunch that this place, Best Falafel, and Falafel House (and most other fast-falafel places in the city) share the same distributor. The dry tabouleh, the never-quite-ripe tomatoes, the nutrient-free iceberg lettuce that tastes like water and matter, even the stock sign with the same 8 meal options�it�s all here and it all kind of tastes the same. The only thing that would distinguish Falafel Maison from their downtown counterparts is the whopping load of spindle meat they insist on feeding you. Their shawarma plate is a meat mountain. So big it makes me uneasy. The guy in front of me ordered it and I watched him eat the whole mountain. I wonder what he thought of diarrhea valley. But I digress; Falafel Maison is average like the C+ student, the house-league hockey player, and the liberal who plays it safe. Go on a Wednesday, wear beige, and bring an acquaintance you neither like nor dislike.